This one goes out to both my babes, the BabyLady & the IttyBitty ...
I was nursing you to sleep tonight, as I always do BabyTait, & thinking back to our glory days: maternity leave. It was the cuddling & closeness that brought that time to mind. My leave with you was quite different than my leave with your sister, just because I had both of you to keep up with! It's really hard being a SAWM. I never truly feel like I am giving either of you enough of me, no matter what I do. I constantly crave more time, more affection, more attention to you. I often actually physically crave you guys - that is how much I love & how much I miss you when I am at work.
Oh how I miss our days of maternity leave ...
Quinn, you & I would wake up, get some coffee (for me, that is =p ), & head downstairs for the news & a marathon nursing session. One (always you) or both (sometimes me, too) of us would drift back to sleep curled up & cuddled into the couch. Rarely did we have any kind of agenda. Mostly, sweet little YOU were my agenda. And I was quite happy to spend my days just like that for nearly three months, until the cold reality of work set in. (Mommy cried for three days prior to my return to work. Leaving you to go back to work seemed like such an insurmountable feat. I could scarcely wrap my head around how I would get myself together & out the door on time, let alone LEAVE my precious tiny BabyLady! Augh, just recalling that time makes my heart ache. And now, you are 2 1/2 years old. Beautiful, vivacious, gregarious, precocious, perceptive, & downright hilarious. You make me smile a million times every day. Back to my leave for a moment, what I always want to hold onto is the closeness, the cuddling, & how I had the privilege of just pouring all of myself into you. Just you. Already it is difficult to recall how your little face looked at that time of our lives, though I stared at you constantly & vigilantly. Maybe it is MommyBrain, maybe it is just the passage of time, but it scares me & makes me really sad that it is already this difficult for me to recall. (INSERT PIX OF ME HOLDING & CUDDLING A VERY YOUNG Q)
BabyTait, it was you who brought these memories rushing back to me tonight as we sat together in the rocker in your nursery, your warm little body pressed against me, your little hand opening & closing into a half-fist stroking my stomach & side so sweetly & lovingly. I never want to forget your face as it is today (& was as a smaller baby) either. (Thank goodness we take a lot of photos ... Now if I could only find the time to edit them ... ). On my leave with you, I didn't really have the "luxury" of getting to sit around & cuddle all day. I had a toddler to mother, too!!! We had more of an agenda this time around. Every morning, we'd get up, nurse you, get Quinn her "oat-me-meal" & fruit & milk. After that we'd just hang out & play & cuddle & read for a bit until I got us all dressed for the day. Mommy would try to get you guys (& Dexter) out for walks & to the park & sometimes to meet friends out. Our quiet time was when Quinn was down for her afternoon nap. It was then that you & I would sneak away into Mommy's room & curl up together to nurse & snooze on my bed (for at least half of Q's nap ... until my never-ending to do list tapped me on the shoulder). That was sort of our time, just like Q's time with just me was when you napped. I try really hard to have one on one time with each of you, but it's not easy. Whatever child I am NOT with, I feel guilty about leaving - even if I am leaving you with your Daddy!! Most of all, I want to always remember & cherish our Maternity Leave as a time of love, adjustment to being a family of 4, & endless cuddles & kisses & all of the things that you & Quinn do that Mommy's heart just soar. [INSERT SOME MAT LEAVE SHOTS OF US ALL - LIKE IN JAMMIES TOGETHER & SITTING ON COUCH, MY FAVE PLACE TO NURSE)
You two make me grin ear to ear with love, with pride, & with wonder that God somehow deemed Mommy worthy of not one, but TWO, beautiful, healthy, & amazing babies. I still have not wrapped my head around that. You two are the biggest & best blessing I could ever imagine.
All my love to both of you for always,
Mommy
Sunday, April 29, 2012
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